


Reasons Why Not

by just_chiara



Series: Zalex Week [1]
Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Diary/Journal, M/M, Post-Season/Series 02, References to Depression, Season/Series 02, Sharing Clothes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-08-02 01:36:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16295792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/just_chiara/pseuds/just_chiara
Summary: Alex keeps a gratitude journal. Zach is in it a lot.





	Reasons Why Not

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Zalex Week 2018 - Day 1 - Sharing Clothes.

It’s his doctor who suggests it, keeping a journal.

“Yeah, because that’s what I need: to make my darkest thoughts more permanent than they already are,” Alex argues. Maybe some people find writing therapeutic. Good for them. He feels like it only gives his depression more power over him. “Like, I’m feeling down, let’s explore this feeling. Sounds like fun.”

Dr. Ellman doesn’t back down because of a sarcastic reply. (Or fifty.) Maybe it’s the reason why he is supposedly so good at his job. Because he sees right through his patients’ bullshit, ignores it, and gets them right back to the point.

“So don’t write about feeling bad. Write about what makes you feel good, what you’re grateful for,” he suggests.

“If I do it, if I keep this Magical Journal of Healing and Rainbows, do I get, like, a sticker?” Alex shoots back, daring his doctor to call him out on his sarcasm.

Dr. Ellman keeps his voice neutral, as usual. “You get a list of reasons why your life is worth living, of experiences you wouldn’t have had if you’d died last fall. But we can get you stickers, if that’s what you want. Baby animals or robots?”

“Do you get to read it?” Alex asks, taking the topic seriously for the first time.

“Only if you want me to.”

“Don’t hold your breath,” Alex warns. “But okay, I’ll do it. I’ll keep a fucking journal. Whatever.”

* * *

Day 1

_Blah blah blah some shit about being grateful for my parents. And I am, but do I really need to write it down? It’s all so fucking obvious._

 

Day 2

_Jessica. Blah blah blah. A fuckload of obvious shit._

 

Day 3

_My friends._ Duh.

 

Day 4

_This is so lame. And it’s not because I already ran out of things to write. Just… whatever. It’s stupid._

 

Day 5

_I don’t know, Doritos?_

 

Day 6

_NOT this fucking journal, that’s for sure._

 

Day 11

_So I skipped a few days. So what? Are you the fucking journaling police?_

_What am I grateful for today? That’s it’s Saturday._

 

Day 12

_Sundays!_

 

Day 13

_Mondays. Nah, kidding. Ugh, I hate Mondays._

_I talked my dad into letting me play a car racing videogame, so I guess I’m happy about that?_

 

Day 14

_It’s not Monday?_

 

Day 15

_Bryce might get what he deserves tomorrow. Is it fucked up to be grateful for that?_

 

Day 16

_Fuck the justice system._

 

Day 17

_I went to Hannah’s memorial today. I’m grateful I got to know her._

 

Day 18

_I’m grateful that Jess is coming to the dance with me tonight. Like, “with me” as in “on a date with me.”_

_I’m also grateful that Zach showed me how to slow-dance yesterday. And I’m grateful for Zach in general. He’s been a great friend._

_Woah, two things today. I feel completely healed forever._

 

Day 19

_Fuck everything._

 

Day 20

_Fuck Justin and Jessica._

_What? Were you expecting some optimism? Well, I’m grateful they probably won’t work out. Fuck them._

 

Day 25

_Zach took me out for ice cream today, to make me feel better. Ice cream, I know, lame. But it was actually nice. Spending time with Zach, I mean._

 

Day 26

_Monet’s salted caramel mocha. Don’t fight me on this._

 

Day 27

_PT. I kinda hate it, but I also kinda don’t?_

 

Day 28

_Zach kissed me today. I’m just going to leave this here. (But yeah, I kissed him back.)_

 

Day 29

_Making out with Zach._

 

Day 30

_Zach. Just… Zach. Did I mention him already? Well, fuck it. It’s my journal, I make the rules and I say I can write about him as much as I want._

 

Day 31

_Watching movies with Zach._

 

Day 32

_Zach’s car. No, I didn’t get to drive it. But he took me to a quiet spot and we made out in the backseat for hours. In related news, my dick totally works._

 

Day 33

_Playing videogames with Clay._

_…and Zach._

 

Day 34

_I’m gonna say Zach again._ _So I’m in love, sue me._

* * *

_Fine_. So maybe his mother was right. He should have brought a jacket.

No way he’s ever telling her, of course. She would use it against him forever. Alex can already imagine having a discussion with her about a Big Life Decision when he’s thirty, and her bringing up that one time she was right about nights being chilly back when he was eighteen.

It’s dangerous territory. He might end up adopting a child instead of a cat in fifteen years if, today, he admits she was right.

Alright, maybe that’s pushing it too far. Whatever.

But still. It’s fucking cold and he should have listened to her.

He shivers and inches closer to Zach, hoping to soon find himself wrapped up in a warm hug without having to ask for it. Although, if the temperature drops even one more degree, he’s willing to put his pride aside and ask.

They’re sitting in Zach’s car eating Thai food. The top is down and they can see the stars above them and the ocean to their right. Which is fucking _romantic_ , if you’re into that kind of thing. Alex isn’t. _Obviously_. But it’s nice, nonetheless. It would be almost perfect if the wind wasn’t so chilly.

“Cold?” Zach asks.

“Just a little, I guess.”

Zach rubs his hands up and down Alex’s arms to warm him up. “Just a little, uh?”

“Whatever.”

After shaking his head, Zach reaches into the backseat for his hoodie. “Here, put this on.”

“Such a gentleman!”

Alex pulls on the hoodie. It’s warm and smells of Zach. It’s also three sizes too big for him: it would probably come down to his knees if he was standing up, and only the tips of his fingers make it out of the sleeves.

“It looks good on you,” Zach says. He rubs Alex’s arm. “Better?”

Alex pulls up the sleeves. “Warmer, yeah.”

They finish eating in comfortable silence. It’s something Alex really appreciates, that they can talk but they don’t have to do it all the time. Sometimes it’s nice to lose yourself in your own thoughts while sitting next to someone, to be inside your own head but not alone.

“Wanna move to the backseat? I can warm you up some more if you’re still cold,” Zach says when they’re done eating.

“That’s such a cheesy line.” Alex smiles.

“What do you want me to say? _Wanna hook up, Standall?_ ”

Alex knows that Zach is just joking, just defending his ‘warm you up’ line, but he still asks, “Is that what we’re doing?” It was supposed to sound flirty, but it comes out as insecure. _Shit_.

“Is that what _you_ want?” Zach asks. “Because I was kinda going for a romantic date tonight, Alex, in case you haven’t noticed, but if you just wanna hook up…”

He sounds hurt and Alex realizes he doesn’t own exclusive rights to feeling insecure. He takes Zach’s hand. “It’s nice, all this. More than nice. It’s actually the best date I’ve even been on.”

“Date, uh?”

A hint of a smile on Zach’s lips, the waves crashing on the beach in the background, the half moon looking over them, their fingers intertwining in the dark. Alex feels bold. “Yeah, date. We’re people who date. Is that okay?”

“More than okay,” Zach says.

“We can be people who date even if we move things to the backseat, you know,” Alex suggests, lowering his eyes to look at their hands.

Zach leans in and kisses him. “I like that,” he says, before getting out of the car and running around to the passenger side to open the door for Alex.

Once Alex is standing in front of Zach with one sleeve-covered hand on his arm for balance, he looks up at Zach. “Sexy, I know,” he jokes, hinting at the baggy sweatshirt he’s wearing.

“Yes, actually,” Zach says. Serious.

Alex smiles. “Noted. Do you want me to keep it on?”

* * *

Day 41

_Zach’s hoodie. I’m not gonna explain this one._


End file.
